Not the Mama (Marty)

OK...let me preface this by saying, Linda, that this is NOT in response to your post on babies. I swear to you that I was working on this very post the night that I wrote the one on soundtracks, when I was working at the auditorium with so much free time, and had saved it as a draft. It is pure coincidence that both our minds went to the same subject, which just goes to show why our friendship has remained over the miles...

*********************************************************************************
You'd think I'd be used to it. You'd think I would have developed the perfect answer to put people at ease. And yet, I am almost always surprised at the look I get with my answer to the question "So, do you have kids?" I almost pity the position they've put themselves in; I can just see the mind scrambling to formulate a follow up question that won't insult or enrage or crumple me. Most people, bless their hearts, just cannot fathom a childless marriage of twelve years, much less one that is deliberately so. They flounder, they scramble, they blush, they tell me "Well that's ok too!" all the while thinking "Where are the horns?" and "That bitch is wack." Once, when we offered to babysit for a newly second-childed couple (now *former* friends), the wife told her husband that she would not feel comfortable with me watching her children "because she is not a mom." Um....WHAT?

What girl code did I break? What rules did I not follow? How did I go from exercising my option not to procreate to being incapable of taking care of a child for a few hours? I secretly wished her to be hit by a dungpod ejected from an overhead 747, but so far my wish has gone unanswered.

I remember being a young woman and talking to my mom about kids. Even then, I did not feel the pull of the mama gene. She smirked her more-years-of-wisdom smile and said "Well, you'll probably feel differently in a few years." Well Mom, I waited. And I tried to be open-minded, and not be one of those people who said "Oh, I'll NEVER have children!" that wind up having seven. Even when I met the man I would marry, I told him I didn't have the Mama gene, but that I was open to the fact that my mind would change. He, thankfully, was cool with it. But that's not the way it went.....38 now, and still no Mama gene. Which begs the question.......what is wrong with me?

The way I grew up just did not lend itself to any common (much less ideal) meaning of the word "family." Adopted, then with divorced parents, splitting up my siblings and myself, then generally ignored til college...where would I have gotten the inkling that having children was the end-all be-all of being a woman? I mean I LOVE my friends' children and my nephews. I play with them when I can (in the good, get in the dirt make mudpies kind of way), try to let them know (when they're pre-teen and tween) that if they want an adult to talk to, they can call me. I let them know that when they're old enough to run away they can run away to my house (cause at least then we'll all know where they are). And I completely respect all the women out there that chose children; I know it's a special bond that I'll never understand, and I can live with that. So....why am I the one with the horns?

Final answer? There is nothing wrong with me. So stop telling me, and your other mama friends, that there is.

Marty

***************************************************************************


Miss Marty,

You know Marty, before I had kids I was so following my inner compass toward procreating that I couldn’t imagine someone could actually not have that compass inside of them. I heard you saying you didn’t want kids and I didn’t think “oh, she’ll change her mind” but I did think maybe there was some wound from your childhood that could heal over time and your life would take you in a different direction than you imagined. Of course my then boyfriend, now husband, was claiming the same lack of reproducing gene, and I was hoping he'd change his mind! I’ll admit it was hard not to imagine you with an entire brood of boys, because you are so much damn fun!

But since having my own brood, I’ve quickly changed my way of thinking. Having children changes your life in ways you can’t imagine before you have them, of course some are rewarding and magical and amazing (see my post before yours), but many are grinding, draining, and altering in ways that can make you feel that your soul is being sucked out of you (see the lack of Alessandra’s posts); or if you are stemming that vampire drain, that you are selfish and are failing your children. It’s a huge thing, you are creating real live people who could be angels or could be monsters and whether you were the wind beneath their wings or fire beneath their scales, you are still their maker and all fingers will be pointed at you! And it’s not something you can quit or take a vacation from. Really, someone who has kids that are over the age of 2 and seem amazed that you don’t want kids, it’s really because they want you to join them in their world because why should you get to be free? (Although, I do ask people still sometimes, but it's because I’m nosy.)

Now, I have the opposite approach, I secretly hope all of my friends without children (with the exception of those who really want them) never have them, thus they will always be interested in my children and also available to me for playing. That woman was an idiot because seriously, the best babysitters in the world don’t have kids; and so they are still engaged in them, fascinated by them and willing to get on the floor and play with them, and most importantly actually watch them. We moms, we’ve developed a muscle that childfree people don’t have which enables you to seem as though you are hearing and seeing the child before you when in actuality you aren’t. Did Mary Poppins look as though she had stretch marks?

I think though the thing that has convinced me the most that having kids isn’t for everyone, is seeing people who really shouldn’t have had kids. You see them "with" their children and you know they either had kids so that they could check that box off, or because they didn’t ever stop to consider that it’s not a necessary requirement for life.

Marty, I would trust my whole pack to you, you know I was willing to send my baby girl down to you for weeks alone. You have legendary status in my house and you’ve spent less than a total day with my kids. I worked in daycare for a couple years before having kids and I think that the only way in which I am better with kids now is that I’m less self conscious reading stories aloud. But you know, somehow Marty, I don’t think that’s a problem with you…

So, say it proud and say it loud, “I don’t want to be nobody’s baby mama!”

Forever your girl,


Holly