Run Slow (L)

I'm running my first half-marathon tomorrow. Could double as my last, who knows? I don't. I've never done one. I think that's clear. Furthest I've gone in training is 10 miles. I'll let you know if I make it back. This course been described by seasoned marathoners as "rugged" and "challenging." Makes me wonder what the heck I'm up to. Would either of you ever thought I'd be attempting to run 13.1 miles without someone with a gun chasing me? I remember when I first tore my ACL thinking, "Thank goodness, I'll never have to run again." I'm not an athlete. In fact, doing athletic things is the first time in my life when I wish I wasn't what people describe as "long and lean" because people assume I am athletic. They think I'm fast. I look like a runner, I look like a swimmer, I have little fat on me, people expect I am fast. I am not large, but I am fighting weakness. I was shaped into weakness. My siblings called me "Rat Retard Refugee Runt" when I was little. I was scrawny and always topped with low blood sugar. That was before the surgery that took a tumor the size of a grapefruit off of lungs and spine. Scraping off that tumor left some scars on my lungs that add a challenge to my life, and for the past 8 years asthma. I can remember being afraid to exercise, I remember the pain when I would cough.

I'm not exactly how I ended up here. But 9 weeks ago when someone sent me the link to this inaugural run, the furthest I had ever run was about 3 miles. Someone else sent me a novice training plan, and I decided to try it. Why not? I could quit the training anytime and no one would be the wiser. At about mile 6 on the long runs, my friend decided to join me. I mostly trained alone but for that long run. At 7.5 I decided to sign up with her. Every time I increased that long run, I was in awe. Wow, I just ran that far? I just ran 7 miles? I was the kid bent over dry heaving after the presidential mile run in school they made us do for P.E. When I finished my first 10 miles, I was hooting and cheering myself on, luckily I was alone on a deserted bike path. I got another 10 under my belt, SLOW. But tomorrow will be the first 13.1. And the first 11, the first 12...Each time I run, something new hurts. I guess it's better than the same thing hurting. I plan to work on form after I finish this, assuming I finish this oneinjury free.

It's interesting to try new challenges. Having by nature always been a fearful person, it's feels so refreshing and healthy. I like making my body do new things, learn new shapes. Maybe it will stop shooting out new shapes of cancer and tumors if I give it something else to do.

One of my favorite running songs is "Dog Days are Over" by Florence and the Machine. I run a little faster on the line "Run fast for your mother and fast for your father, run for you children, your sisters and your brothers." I feel like I'm doing that every time I run. My brother was the first to run, I'm taking it over for awhile until he's back in form. I'll try and get my sister on the road slowly. I have the eyes for my father, the body for my mother. I'm doing what they never got the chance to do. I'm hoping my children are noticing me doing new things and it gives them the courage to do the same. I run, not because I am fast or good, but because I can.